Best Friend Breakups Can Break Your Heart
No one told me that it was normal for your heart to break when your best friend dumps you. It is normal, and here is how you can begin to heal.
If you are lucky, you will make it through your one shot on Earth with one or two broken hearts. The unfortunate reality of life is that while we experience great love and joy, we also experience heartbreak.
But broken hearts don’t occur in only romantic relationships. Over the years, it hasn’t been breakups with boyfriends that have left the deepest wound in my heart. It was the fracture of a friendship that was the most heart-shattering.
Some friends are not for life.
For entertainment’s sake, I wish I had a dramatic story about how I lost my best friend. There was no fight, no betrayal. One day, she was my closest friend and confidant. Literally, the next day, she was gone.
We were colleagues and best friends. Over the years of our friendship, together, we grew in our careers, traveled the world, and shared some of life’s most difficult moments.
One night, we went to our favorite after-work bar. After more drinks than were necessary, we were drunk-planning a spontaneous trip to India. The next day, after we sobered up, we booked our tickets. Just a few short weeks later, we were backpacking throughout India.
That’s the type of friendship we had. She was a part of many of my life’s most important and impactful moments.
One day, out of the blue, she ghosted me. We were in the process of planning our next trip to Costa Rica. I reached out to her about our itinerary, but she never responded. Repeatedly, I tried to contact her; she wouldn’t return my calls or emails.
And just like that, she was gone. Except for a few half-hearted hellos in passing at work, she never spoke to me again.
We aren’t trained to handle platonic breakups.
Until now, I never really talked about the heartache of losing her friendship. It broke my heart in a way that I had not experienced before. I spent countless hours wondering what happened.
Every time I would overhear her making after-work plans with our colleagues (which was often), I would close the door to my office and cry. And though this was years ago, even writing about it now triggers immense sadness.
Experience has trained most of us to deal with romantic breakups. But no one talks about the pain of a broken friendship.
A quick search of peer-reviewed journals offers little insight into the psychology of platonic breakups. Many journals provide resources and research pertaining to divorce and the effects of romantic breakups on mental health. But there is little academic discourse about the psychological impacts of losing a friend.
Our platonic relationships are our safety-nets. As Jen Glantz writes, “It can be worse than a romantic breakup because you feel like you lost your sidekick, your go-to person, your safety blanket. Someone who knows years' worth of secrets about you, understands what you’re saying when you’re not saying anything at all, and knows exactly what to do or say to make you feel better.”
We often proceed with caution in our romantic relationships, knowing that it might not work out. But we don’t enter friendships with the same hesitancy because we believe that friendship is for life. As Glantz continues, “friendship breakups slap us silly.” It is “an outcome that we never considered a possibility.”
The pain of a broken friendship can feel just as sharp and raw as a romantic split. Our brains do not differentiate between romantic and platonic breakups. As Ashley Mateo writes:
“Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a romantic or platonic relationship. A breakup is a breakup. There was intimacy and trust, and then there wasn’t.”
Our culture may not emphasize the impact of a platonic split. But our hearts, and more importantly, our minds do.
How to grieve a platonic breakup
I didn’t know how to grieve the loss of our friendship. They say time heals all things. But the truth is, often, time just softens things.
I thought I was past the hurt until I saw her over the weekend. We happened to cross paths. It was the first time I’ve seen her in years; I assumed we could at least say hello or that she would acknowledge that I was holding my new baby.
No. She didn’t say a word.
A deluge of sadness and anger came rushing back. I found myself wide awake at 1:00 am replaying all of the emotions from years ago. That’s when it became clear that I needed to truly grieve.
I’m not a psychologist, and there are very few resources for grieving platonic breakups. Luckily, the internet has everything we need (and don’t need). So in my path toward healing, I am sharing some of the most useful tips I have found to grieve a platonic breakup.
Gift yourself space to truly grieve.
We generally associate the stages of grief with death. Grief takes many shapes and forms, but no matter what it looks like, it is still grief. As such, we must honor and make space for all of its messy stages.
Offer yourself the grace to experience the fullness of your emotions. It’s normal in the grieving process to oscillate between complex and conflicting emotions, such as loss and restoration. As Terri Daniel writes:
“The journey through grief is not linear. So you’re sad, you’re crying, you can’t get out of bed. You’re angry. That’s a loss. Then you get out of bed and you go write in your journal and take a walk in nature — that’s restoration. Back and forth, back and forth. As long as you’re moving between those two focuses all the time and you’re not stagnant, you’re gonna be fine.”
Practice Self-Care
Self-care isn’t just about bubble baths and luxury. Rather, it is a process of creating the conditions in which we can heal and thrive. Andrea Bonior suggests, “Leaning into self-care rituals can help with this. Journal, meditate, talk to another friend or a therapist about what you’ve appreciated and will take away from this now-former friendship.”
Self-care needs vary among individuals. Self-help books and the internet have an overabundance of self-care rituals and tips. What’s most important is that your chosen self-care practice offers clarity and learning. For many, this is a good time for meditation, yoga, or other mindfulness practices.
Cut Social Media Ties…At Least for a While
It can be helpful to hit the pause button on social media. Seeing old photos or new posts with new friends can rub salt in the wound.
When my friend ghosted me, I repeatedly checked her Instagram to see if she was okay. I kept seeing pictures of her happy and out with other friends. To say it was unhelpful is an understatement.
If you have to, hit the unfriend button so that you can give yourself the distance to heal and, eventually, move on.
Consider What You Gained from the Friendship
Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. But we do have an opportunity to learn from them, no matter the outcome. It takes a shift in mindset, but if you can think of friendship as a learning experience, what did you take away?
For instance, my former friend taught introduced me to yoga and mindfulness, forever changing my life. I also learned tough lessons in toxic friendship patterns (both hers and mine).
Our friendships teach us about ourselves and others so that we can continue to evolve. If you can shift your mindset to see your friendship as an opportunity for growth, you can unload some of the heaviness of loss.
